Mama

 

 

My Mama had been sick for a few months and spent the majority of the summer in the hospital. After Joleigh was born in July and was transferred to Lubbock, I was lucky to be able to visit them both during our stay, since their hospitals were blocks from each other. About a month later I went back to visit Mama and bring her some pictures, since Joleigh wasn’t allowed to visit yet. I still remember her smile when she saw them – I could tell she was so proud of me!

On 9/11 she was moved to a nursing home/rehab facility, but her health took a turn for the worst that evening. She passed unexpectedly and I will never forget getting that call from my sister. It felt like my heart had literally been ripped out of my chest.

One of the hardest parts – we had just finished packing our bags and were planning to visit her the next day, since the new facility was going to let Mama meet Joleigh for the very first time. For whatever reason, God had other plans and that never happened for us.

I know the days will get easier, but for now I try to take it a day at a time. As a new mom I wish more than anything that I could just call and ask her questions about Joleigh. I have a multitude of friends and family available for support, but there are just some things that only my Mama will have answers to. I can’t even call them to find out how old I was when I started rolling over, eating solids, walking… or any of that stuff!

It breaks my heart that Joleigh will never know her grandparents on my side of the family. And that they’ll never make it to any of her birthdays, ball-games, or holiday activities. My only comfort comes in knowing that she has two guardian angels watching over her now.

Today marks 7 months since she's been gone and it literally feels like it happened yesterday.  The pain is still so hard to cope with and I struggle everyday with her loss.  I've been having a hard time moving forward with my life and am so very thankful that I still have my little family here to give me something to live for.