Makin' Changes

I actually wrote this post back in January but have felt uncomfortable about actually "posting" it for everyone to see.  Sadly, I was worried about what a few people that know about this blog would think or say.  I've finally come to the conclusion that I want to write about it, regardless of what people's opinions may be through this journey.  I am me.  I've never tried to be something I'm not and I never will.  It's important for me to be able to look back on every part of our lives and I have a feeling this is going to be one of my greatest achievements.

January 5, 2013

I've debated over and over whether or not I should even write this post. I mean this is something so personal and has been a struggle in my life for as long as I can remember. 

I have always been big. I can't remember a time when I wasn't. That's not to say I never dieted. I would lose 5 or 10lbs at a time, but soon after I would give up and it would be back... And then some!  I've never really been active and never played sports in school. My family was never involved in them, so it honestly never crossed my mind.

After much hesitation I've decided to join a Biggest Loser competition with some old buddies from Halliburton. The hesitation didn't come from deciding whether or not I needed to do it (cause every fat person knows they need to lose weight), it came from worrying about what it would do to me if I didn't win (again).

I say that because in the spring of 2011, I joined one with them. I threw myself into a completely different lifestyle than I had ever lived in my life.  I worked hard.  I walked 5 miles every day and did upwards of 10 miles every Saturday when I was visiting Graham (I still lived in Hobbs at the time).

I also watched everything I was putting in my mouth. No more burritos in the morning, restaurants with the ladies at lunch, and when I'd make desserts I'd take it to work for the guys to enjoy. I actually get just as much out of baking as I do eating!  I focused on eating more fruits and vegetables, watching my portion sizes, and drinking TONS of water.  Subway was also my best friend.  I ate a sandwich nearly every day.

I don't really know why it happened at that particular time in my life, but something just clicked that I actually had a shot at beating those guys! Maybe it was the confidence I had from the new found love for Graham or the fact that the guys at work thought I was crazy for even attempting it. I had to prove them wrong. I had to prove myself wrong.

By the end of the 3 month competition I had lost around 35lbs. Which I thought was pretty awesome considering I had a week long vacation smack dab in the middle of it. I felt good. I was beginning to look good! I was the happiest I had ever been in my life.

That was until we had our final weigh-in. I lost by a fraction of a percentage. A FRACTION OF A PERCENTAGE.  I was devastated. Never-mind that I had lost more than 10 other 300 lb men that were also competing. It didnt matter to me. I had worked so hard and I lost!

I found out later that the guy that beat me spent his morning in the sauna, which was why he was late to our weigh-in. I mean it wasn't like there were any rules saying he couldn't, I just thought it was about losing weight and getting healthy!

After that disappointment I just gave up.  I ate...and ate...and ate some more.   Looking back, it was the first time I really put my mind to anything and I guess I thought that since I didn't win that I just didnt need to do it anymore.  I would walk occasionally, but never more than a few days in a row before taking months off in between.

Almost 2 years later, I'm tired of eating and eating. I'm tired of not being happy with myself. I'm tired of being tired.  I'm a new bride, this should be the happiest time in my life and I intend to make it that way.  My husband deserves a better version of me.  I deserve better!!

At the end of the day this blog is about our lives and everything in it. Me doing this competition is a huge part of my life and I know one day I'll look back and be excited that I wrote about it.  In all reality, there is a chance that I won't win this competition either. All I can do is give it my all and stay focused. I just want my priority to be that whether I win or lose I stay on my journey.  Losing weight and getting healthy is winning either way!